"This is not supposed to happen to me". "I've (almost) always been confident with my body but now...I can't even look at myself". "How is my husband going to find me attractive anymore if I look like this". "Why can't I look like her after having a baby".
The list of put downs and depressing phrases I've said to myself and heard other women say go on and on. After having my first child in 2011, I had no idea what my body was going to look like afterwards. I just assumed I would be a little bigger than before pregnancy and then I would easily lose the "baby weight". I was wrong! It didn't help that I had gained 50 pounds and ate like I was eating for way more than two during the whole pregnancy! Thankfully my husband was,and still is, very complimentary and always telling me I look beautiful. Even though I didn't always believe it myself, it felt good to hear him tell me.
It took me the better part of two years to get back to the weight I was before my first pregnancy only to end up pregnant again! I wasn't happy about not losing more weight before getting pregnant again. This time I only gained the normal 35 pounds but post pregnancy was much more difficult for me because our second baby was much more difficult. I was worried the way I was feeling and acting was me not getting over the "baby blues". After almost a year of feeling ugly, depressed and down right "blah" I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. Getting on medication wasn't an exact cure all but it did give me some relief about how I was feeling. Over the next several months I was able to drop some more weight and feel better about myself. Of course as soon as I was getting to this point we are thrown the curve ball of being pregnant again!
To me, this was the worst timing for getting pregnant. I was still over weight, we were struggling financially and I was struggling with my some of thyroid issues (depression and fatigue). To make things worse (before they got better) we found out we were having twins when I was about 9 weeks pregnant. It took me well into my 2nd trimester to make peace with having twins to be fully and completely happy about expanding our family. Which, leads me to where I am going with this post!
With our family officially complete and no more babies in our future I have decided to start a new chapter in my personal life. Not only am I going to document my weight loss but also becoming a healthier and happier woman/mom. I hope to encourage other moms/women while on this journey. I plan to post pictures of my progress not only for others but for myself as well. I do ask for prayers and kind thoughts as I set out on this new path of being a "new me and new mom". I know God will continue to give me strength each day as long as I keep looking to him for guidance.
"With the new day comes new strengths and new thoughts" -Eleanor Roosevelt-
"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded." - 2 Chronicles 15:7-
In Him,
Angie K
Well, it has been almost two weeks since my last post and I finally have a little bit of time to update. Happy 4 weeks to our little angels. They will be one month old on the 19th!! I can't believe it!
Both the girls are home now and doing wonderful! They had their first doctor appointment and they are perfect. Their doctor did want to order ultrasounds on the girl's hips because of their positioning in the womb. She wants to make sure there isn't a problem.
I am so proud of how well they are eating! We are still pumping and bottle feeding for now. When they are "full term" we might work on breastfeeding but for now pumping is working just fine! They are eating every 3 1/2 to 4 hours! There was one night that they didn't wake up for their feeding and they went 5 hours between feedings! I have a good feeling they will sleep through the night without any problems!!
I have to be honest right now. These two girls are actually easier right now than Logan was when he was born. I will gladly admit that the NICU stay was a blessing in disguise. The girls were on a feeding/diaper schedule while there and we have been able to carry that home with us.
The boys are so glad to have their sisters home! Jonah absolutely loves and adores them. He is always willing to help out any way he can. He loves to look at them and kiss their heads or toes. Logan is happy to have them home but is having a little more difficult time accepting his new role as "not a baby". He is having to transition from being held and cuddled with a lot to being told "no, not right now". Logan does love his sisters and likes to kiss their heads and touch their feet/hands when he is allowed. I am excited to see the girls grow and the bond between them and the boys bloom!
We won't be getting the girls out in public until after their two month appointment in September. Doctor says it is best to let their lungs develop more before going out. With RSV and Flu season approaching in the coming months we have to be careful with them.
I will try to find some time once a week to post an update about the girls. I can't make any promises though!
In Him,
Angie K
"For this reason I kneel before the father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name". Ephesians 3:14-15
Saturday August 1st:
"No news is good news" especially when it comes to the girls right now. They are continuing to grow and do well. We will need to bring in the car seat to do the car seat test before they get the approval to go home. Today, Amelia weighed in at 4 pounds 4 ounces and Kaylee weighed in at 4 pounds 9 ounces! Growing girls back up to birth weight!
Sunday August 2nd:
Baby girls are TWO weeks old today! They are growing so nicely. Amelia is starting to fill out and look more like Kaylee. They both are eating very well. Jessie and I enjoyed spending alone time with the girls today. Of course, both the girls ate better for Jessie than me. I'm assuming they think I'm a little more cuddly and decided to fall asleep with me! The girls have gained more weight! Kaylee is weighing 4 pounds 14 ounces and Amelia is weighing 4 pounds 7.7 ounces! I'm hoping Kaylee is well over 5 pounds before she leaves the NICU. Got a call from the NICU this afternoon and the car seat we got failed the first test. Now to find another car seat by Tuesday!
Monday August 3rd:
First, a shout out to my big guy Jonah. Happy 4th birthday Jonah Bug!!
The girls ate a big breakfast this morning! When I got there to feed them they were still very sleepy from their feeding. They started their iron and vitamin supplements today. Amelia started off eating pretty well but at the end she had an "eating episode" (stopped breathing long enough for heart rate to drop). This will keep her from going home the same day as Kaylee. Kaylee is doing well eating and sleeping and is on track to come home soon!
Here is how the rest of the week should go if there aren't any other hiccups:
Tuesday-official car seat test
Wednesday- sleep in room for parents at hospital
Thursday-Kaylee comes home
Friday-Amelia comes home
Doctor said normally they won't even consider sending preemies home until after 35 weeks but the girls are doing so well and will be "35 weeks" August 4th.
We are so close to the end of their NICU stay! I have to be honest. I am excited but very anxious about them coming home especially since Amelia had her episode today. Please continue to pray for all of us towards the end of the week. We will be getting the boys back Friday and my mother and mother-in-law will be here to help out as well.
In Him,
Angie K
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
-Psalm 62:8-
Thursday July 30th:
Both girls got their nose tubes out! Amelia pulled hers out so they left it out and soon after Kaylee got hers taken out too!
I did some skin to skin time with Amelia while nursing. She gave us all a scare a few times when she had some breathing pauses during breastfeeding which set off the alarms. It happened three times and the nurse suggested we give breastfeeding a break until her brain is mature enough to have the breathe, suck, swallow rhythm down better. So for now we will continue to pump and bottle feed.
They have opposite episode set backs. Amelia has periodic breathing while she sleeps but not (usually) while she eats. Kaylee has periodic breathing when she eats but not while she sleeps. They will need to be able to self correct quickly before being sent home.
Kaylee worked real hard trying to get fingers into her mouth. She worked pretty hard until she got frustrated and happily took her pacifier. She was a bit stubborn during her feed and wanted to sleep more than eat.
Spoke with Jason, their nurse practitioner today too. They will be getting off their caffeine supplement. It takes about 5 days for it to leave their system completely. The nurses will be watching for "episodes" while they are getting off the caffeine. After they are completely off caffeine and it is out of their system, the girls will be given a sleep study and have a car seat test. If they pass everything the next step is home!
Friday July 31st:
The girls were moved to NICU 4 this morning. It is a much small area than where they were before. Our nurse, Kathy, said "it's one foot out the door". Both girls are are eating over 40mL of milk. I'm hoping to stay ahead of them while pumping!
Jason came by again and checked on the girls. He reassured me they wouldn't be sending the girls home too soon. Here is the "schedule" he gave us:
5 days no caffeine
5 days no sleeping episodes
3 days no feeding episodes
10 hour sleep study
90 minute carseat test
Discharge if passed everything
By the looks of it the girls could be coming home next weekend!! I'm both nervous and excited to be seeing the end of their NICU stay. Please continue to pray for the doctors, nurses, the girls and us as we prepare to transition them home!
In Him,
Angie K
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God.
-Deuteronomy 32:3-
Tuesday July 28th:
We have been so blessed with such wonderful nurses and doctors. I feel like family every time I walk through the NICU. I've even seen some of my maternity ward nurses and they remember my name! Even though this has been a difficult time for us, the medical staff has gone above and beyond to make this situation as easy as possible.
Today the girls had a pretty good day! They had their first back to back bottle feedings and did well with them! Kaylee was so tired during her second feed that she had to finish her meal with the nose tube. The nurses said they may take small steps back, like finishing with the tube, but they will continue to make huge leaps forward.
Amelia did give us a little scare today. She had a small apnea episode, after her feeding, which made her turn color. Thankfully the NICU staff is awesome and it only took a couple seconds for Amelia to wake up to breathe nicely and turn back to her beautiful pale pink self.
The doctor may increase their bottle feedings if they continue to do well! Since they are so little they need extra calories and "goodies" to fatten them up. Amelia will get two packages of milk fortifier and Kaylee will get one package of milk fortifier. Amelia is weighing 4 pounds even but I forgot to get Kaylee's weight before we left. Our poor nurse was crazy busy today!
Wednesday July 29th:
To my surprise this morning, they started the girls on all bottle feedings! They will keep their feeding tubes for if/when they have those little steps back and need to finish with the tubes. Kaylee will now be getting 38mL (1.2 ounces) each feeding and Amelia will be getting 35mL (1.1 ounces) each feeding. They had a bath this morning and had new clothes, bedding and cute hats!
We met the occupational therapist, Lisa, today too! She gave her spill about what she does and what she watches with the girls. She discussed their sleep positions while in the NICU verses while at home. Lisa talked to us about the importance of tummy time and why its needed.
The girls had fabulous eating times today! I wanted the girls to practice breastfeeding since we had only tried nursing twice. I was so excited when Amelia happily latched and started nursing right away! Even our nurse, Alyse, was surprised at how well she did with this being only the third attempt. Amelia went for 18 minutes before she fell asleep and pulled off! Kaylee did almost as well. She was a little hesitant to latch at first but she eventually did and nursed for 13 minutes. We nursed again during their next feeding time and they did well. Both girls seemed worn out by the time we were done for the day and I don't blame them.
They had both gained some weight since their last weigh in! Kaylee is now weighing 4 pounds 1.1 ounces and Amelia is now weighing 4 pounds 7.8 ounces. They are almost getting back to their birth weight!
On our way out the NICU our nurse Alyse stopped us. She told me my milk supply in the freezer is overflowing and that they will let me know when to bring more breast milk. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear this. I have been very worried about my supply with twins but thankfully my body is cooperating this time and is allowing me to supply the girls with more than enough. Now I get to stock our freezer and this makes me one proud momma!
In Him,
Angie K
"You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and rest in safety".
Job 11:18
Saturday July 25th:
Girls are off of their UV lights! Their bilirubin levels are now perfect!
Poor Kaylee had her IV put back in her head last night. I felt so awful for her since they had to work so hard to find a good vein Friday. Thankfully they will be off their IV fluids soon and she won't have to deal with being poke and prodded again.
We practiced breastfeeding again and they both did well. Of course they were being tube fed during practice so it only took about 10-15 minutes for them to happily fall asleep! They are getting 25mL each feeding and will be moving up on their feeding amounts in the coming week. Their nurse said they are "vigorous eaters on the bottle" but are doing well pacing themselves.
Friday night Amelia weighed 3 pounds 14 ounces and Kaylee weighed 4 pounds 5 ounces. Both girls are doing well and just need to gain some more fat and weight!
Sunday July 26th:
Jessie and I got to assist in bathing the girls this morning! They both absolutely love getting their heads washed and scrubbed. But what little girl doesn't!?! They will be "fortifying" their milk with some extra calories, fats, vitamins, etc to help them with the weight gain. The nurses will not be adding fluids to their IV bags but they haven't been given the direct order to stop the fluids and remove the IV ports. Nurse said it could be a day or two depending on how well the girls do. Probably in the next day or so their feeding amounts will increase too!
Monday July 27th:
Today we had Nurse Tammy. I absolutely love her! She is "older" than the other nurses and tells us like it is, which I like!
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| Amelia in new bed |
I walked into the NICU and saw the girls without their IV lines and the lid on their incubators was lifted off. I couldn't help but tear up and cry some. This is a huge milestone for them and I am so proud of how well they are doing. Every nurse that has worked with them says they are big strong girls!
I was so please to do some major skin to skin time with Amelia today. Nurse Tammy brought over one of the lounging chairs and got me to put my feet and lounge back. It was a wonderful bonding time for us. Tomorrow I will have some happy bonding time with Kaylee!
The girl's wonderful nurse practitioner, Jason, came by while we were there. He talked about the fortified milk and what course of action they will take in the future before the girls go home. He upped their feeding amount again based on their weight. Amelia will get 34mL of milk and Kaylee will get 36mL of milk! (I've gotta keep ahead of them!)
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| Daddy feeding Kaylee |
For the last several days their feedings have been: bottle, tube feed, bottle, tube feed, etc. Because they are doing so well their feedings will now be: bottle, bottle, tube feed, bottle, bottle, tube feed, etc. When they do very well with those feedings and are able to complete each feeding, he will continue to lower the tube feedings and up the bottle feeds until the girls are only taking bottles.
If they continue with this progress I believe they will be coming home much sooner than we first thought. Of course there are still several factors involved and they need to gain as much weight as possible before coming home.
We were told today that the car seats for the girls need to have a weight minimum of 4 pounds and of course the ones we have are 5 pound minimum. If this is the only little obstacle we encounter through all this craziness then I will consider us blessed!
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| Kaylee in new bed |
Again, we can't thank you all enough for the prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement sent our way. God is truly doing some amazing work in these little girls and his awesome power is shining through them each day!
In Him,
Angie K
**Disclaimer**
This contains information on breastfeeding and pumping.
I warned you! If you aren't into all the talk and jargon that comes with breastfeeding that's okay! You can become informed or happily close the blog. Either way, it's up to you.
"Pumping Newbie", I feel, is another title I get to add to my name as a mom. In the weeks and months to come I hope to step into the title Professional Pumper or Pumping Pro. Coming from two unhappy breastfeeding experiences with my two other children, now ages 2 and 4, I was very worried about my supply. My worried doubled when we found out it was twins!
With my other two boys I didn't breast feed them for very long. About a month with my first one and then just shy of four months with my second. Looking back I know why we weren't able to go for very long. I will get to that later.
Since the girls were early, a C-section, and in NICU I wasn't able to start the whole skin to skin and nursing process right away. I wanted to start pumping as soon as possible to get my supply going even though the girls would not be eating anything for 24 hours. The nurses were very positive and reminded me that it will take 3-5 days for my milk to come in. They wanted me to pump every 3 hours for 30 minutes to mimic the eating times of newborns. The first 3-4 pumping sessions were hit or miss if any colostrum came.
Our hospital uses donor milk from the local Milk Bank to supplement with until my milk came. I happily signed the form of consent to use donor just in case they were ready to eat but I wasn't producing.
Even after reading dozens of other blogs on breastfeeding, pumping exclusively, and keeping my supply high, I was still crazy nervous about not making enough for them. I had to remember the 3 most important things about milk supply: eat a healthy diet, don't over stress, and HYDRATE! I really do believe a strong habit of drinking water all day has helped me this time around. With my boys I didn't drink enough water during or after pregnancy and I am seeing the difference now! You should get into the habit of drinking half your body weight in ounces! (Example: Weight is 160 lbs so you should drink 80 oz of water each day.)
While I am pumping I try to hide the bottle part that is collecting the milk from my view. At times like this I believe your body can smell fear! Each time I pump I cover up a little whether I am alone or not. This keeps me from being tempted to check how much I'm pumping every few minutes. I do my best to stay distracted and not focus on my supply.
I have now been pumping for about a week. I have a chart that I am using to track my pump times, how long I pump and how much I produce. I am on the same schedule as the girls and pump when they are being fed. Keeping on a schedule as if I am physically feeding them is crucial. Not only does it help you keep you milk supply up but it also allows you to have a routine. This will help me tons when the girls come home from the NICU. We will be on the same schedule and it will be easier on all of us.
To recap on some things:
1. HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE
2. Eat healthy
3. Keep your stress low
Every woman is different. Every milk supply is different. Every baby is different. Listen to your body and watch your baby carefully. If pumping and breastfeeding is not for you or, like me, you have to start on formula I want you to remember one thing:
Yes, breast is best but making sure your baby is eating enough whether it be breast milk or formula is the only thing that matters. Your baby is going to love you no matter how they are fed.
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25
